Empowered motherhood-How to navigate expectations
I remember when I became a mom I already knew so much about what a good mom does or doesn’t. I never specifically researched it or read books about motherhood, and still it was already very vivid in my head. I remember all the little babies in the (extended) family we visited, my mom had also some younger colleagues who gave birth when I was still around 10 and I was so happy to pop by and babysit. So I had a lot of experience with babies and around babies.
I loved babies. It was not even a question that I’ll want to have a baby.
I didn’t know back then that all these experiences, everything I learned about babies and I learned from my mom and the extended family was already shaping my views, my decisions.
Our brain is programmed to wanna be part of the tribe. Meaning - all the cultural rules, habits are deeply soaked in from early age. I was soaking in all the experiences what it looked like to be a mom.
A mom was staying at home with the baby, she was always juggling it all alone in her PJs and the dad was at work. She was always smiling and adoring her cutie pie. The mom was taking care of the babi(es) and of the household as well.
That was the norm.
I’m Hungarian and in my home country the maternity leave is 3 years long. (!) That was programmed into my brain as well.
When I was about having my first baby ALL of these experiences, images in my head activated. I was very much looking forward to having that little bundle of joy in my arms. At the same time I felt a high level of anxiety as well, because at that time I was already living in Belgium where the maternity leave was 15 weeks. I didn’t want to go back to work so early.
When my baby was born the anxiety just got worse, on the top of it I was suffering from PPD, but I’m going to share about that in another post.
So imagine… my brain was programmed for the “good mom 1.0 Hungarian version” to stay at home and love every second of motherhood 24/7 for 3 years. That was THE expectation. But. I was in a new environment, in a new tribe where the norm was to go back to work fairly quickly. THAT expectation was totally the opposite.
The brain is programmed to wanna be part of the tribe.
So my brain also wanted to be part of this new tribe therefore I had the image of “good mom 2.0 Belgian version” who goes back to work and puts the baby in daycare.
Either way “I was fcked up” because these two were very contradictory.
That was the first time in my life when I deeply questioned everything and started to ask myself, what did I want.
It was a bumpy road for me with PPD and figuring out my future, but it was all worth it.
You don’t have to be in similar situations, in such extreme conflicts to ask yourself" “What do I want?”
Do I really want to…. or is it just because that’s what others expect from me…
Do I really want to… or is it just because I never questioned that…
Don’t forget that we are not conditioned to question things, we are shaped by the school-system where there is THE right answer which you need to learn and write the test about and get good scores, we are not encouraged to use our brains and question everything.
That’s the reason why questioning everything and really going deep and figuring out your way is not that easy. It takes courage and hard work and a lot of questions.
So which are the expectations you wanna comply with and which are the ones you would rather drop?
Here are my fav expectations I want to erease from society’s norm and I make sure I’m talking about these as much as possible to decondition moms’ brains:
a good mom is staying at home with the kids
a good mom is never complaining
a good mom is always available and approachable
a good mom is selfless
a good mom is patient and loving 24/7
a good mom never yells
a good mom is learning about gentle parenting and new trends always to improve
a good mom doens’t travel without kids
a good mom never prioritizes work over kids
a good mom always enjoyes playing with her own kids
And so on.. What would You add to this list?
Remember, our brain is conditioned and socialised right as of birth, our culture, our upbringing, our friends, our new environment all are shaping our views and decisions. The only way you can make authentic decisions and drop expectations is when you listen to your intuitions and ask youself deep questions.
Do I really want to?
Would I choose to… if it wouldn’t be for my mom/friend/sister…?
And most importantly what matters is YOU, YOUR opinion, YOUR view.
No expectation has any chance over your decision if you are willing to stand up for yourself and your choices.
There is never too late to REINVENT yourself and ask deep questions. Who do you want to be as a mom?
What do you want to do?
What rolemodel would you like to become?
How do your want to shape your kids brain (aka future)?
I cheer you on on this re-discovery journey!