The true source of feeling like a shitty mom
Let’s start with: You are not a shitty mom.
Why am I so sure without knowing You? Because only good moms care about whether they are shitty moms. You, trying to do your best… is the proof of being a good mom.
So then where does this “shitty mom”/“bad mom”/“indadeqacy”/“self-doubt”/ “guilt”/“shame” come from….?
From your brain
From comparison
From conditioning
Bare with me…. It will make sense I promise.
When you feel like a shitty mom you have a THOUGHT about what you are doing wrong. AKA you also have thoughts about how else you should do things… This is how our brain navigates. It tells you what’s wrong and what’s good based on experience, conditioning and outside information.
So let’s say you feel like a shitty mom because you’re working and leave your kids in the nursery/kindergarten. Your thought is that “I’m a shitty mom who leaves her kids for the whole day” aka a good mom wouldn’t put her kids into daycare… Feeling like a shitty mom doesn’t come from your kid being at the nursery…
Feeling like a shitty mom comes from your own thought that you shouldn’t…because you tell yourself that leaving them makes you a shitty mom.
Understanding this nuance difference is everything.
When you see that your own thoughts are the source of the problem, you’ll also see how it can be also the source of the solution.
It’s mindset management, but now I only want to raise your awarness what exactly is happening between your ears. You will be able to question them when you see what exatcly you are thinking.
When you are thinking you’re a shitty mom just because:
you feel resentment
you want to have a break
you can’t gentle parent
you can’t handle another tantrum without yelling
you work
you don’t handcraft
you don’t enjoy playgrounds
you dream about buying a one-way-ticket…
It doesn’t actually mean you are a shitty mom or that you would fail at motherhood… It only means these are the thoughts you are believing and you JUDGE yourself. (judging yourself for being tired, for being exhausted, for not being THE good mom)
Actually what it means is that you are HUMAN. You have finite capacity, a nervous system which can be overloaded and finite energy.
The true source of feeling like a shitty mom is comparing yourself to an idealised, non existent “good mom” image.
And the source is your brain, your own thoughts.
Good news! You have authority there… your thoughts are optional and you can manage your mind!
So when your brain offers you thoughts like:
A good mom:
is selfless
is always patient
can gentle parent in every moment
enjoys motherhood 24/7
doesn’t need a break
never feels resentment
is fun even if super tired
Then you can simply question these… Is it true? Do I want to keep thinking this?
It’s sometimes hard work as we have this deep conditioning and socialization in us what a good mom does or doesn’t. But not questioning these standards actually results is good moms questioning themselves and pressuring themselves for being humans and needing some basic things: like drinking, eating, sleeping or having a moment of silence.
What if you are not a shitty mom you just expect too much from yourself?
What if you are not a shitty mom you’re just exhausted?
What if you are not a shitty mom you just need support?
I’m not saying for a second that you should not work on yourself, on emotional management or learning new cycle-breaking parenting…
But feeling like shit in the meantime is not necessary.
Beating yourself up and feeling like a shitty mom won’t make things better at all. You can pull much more energy from having your own back, having grace and self-love while you figure out how you WANT act, react.
There is no “one right way”, there is no such a thing as “THE good mom”… Let yourself BE YOU and enjoy how the pressure and overwhelm eases.
If you need support, I’m here for you. Book your free consultation.