How to pay attention to our mental health?
May is moms’ mental health month
Let’s talk about WHY it’s so important
I’m so glad that there is a specific month for this. Because there is need for this awareness.
I wanted to share with you more about my journey and about why this awareness means so much to me.
I coach moms, although as a general life coach I can coach anyone who is committed to the change. I choose moms because my own identity change as a mom made me a coach.
I’m creating a lot of free content, posts, videos on social media. Why? Because this is my biggest WHY. 𝙏𝙤 𝙧𝙖𝙞𝙨𝙚 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙖𝙬𝙖𝙧𝙚𝙣𝙚𝙨𝙨.
I believe that although the 𝙬𝙤𝙧𝙡𝙙 𝙞𝙢𝙥𝙧𝙤𝙫𝙚𝙙 𝙩𝙝𝙚𝙧𝙚 𝙖𝙧𝙚 𝙨𝙩𝙞𝙡𝙡 𝙖 𝙡𝙤𝙣𝙜 𝙬𝙖𝙮 𝙩𝙤 𝙜𝙤. There are still too much responsibility, pressure and expectation on mothers. Although we speak more and more about momselfcare, I think for many it’s just a quick massage or an appointment at the hairdresser, but not the real sustainable self-care routine. Because that contains also a lot of 𝒎𝒊𝒏𝒅𝒔𝒆𝒕 𝒘𝒐𝒓𝒌, 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒂𝒃𝒊𝒍𝒊𝒕𝒚 𝒕𝒐 𝒔𝒂𝒚 𝒏𝒐, 𝒔𝒆𝒕 𝒃𝒐𝒖𝒏𝒅𝒂𝒓𝒊𝒆𝒔 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒒𝒖𝒆𝒔𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏 𝒂𝒍𝒍 the information which are thrown on us.
We have less support, there is no village to raise the kids, family lives far, we have all these roles next to motherhood… and I could go on and on. You know what I’m talking about.
I see that many of us experience this huge identity crises when we become a mom, we lose ourselves and question our competence and self-worth. All the expectation and info tsunami that’s coming from the outside world makes things even more difficult.
You become a mom and then there is an infinite list about how to raise the baby, how to connect and bond, how don’t let them cry, how to be responsive 24/7… but 𝐰𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐚𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐘𝐨𝐮? 𝐖𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐚𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐧𝐞𝐞𝐝𝐬? 𝐖𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞 𝐢𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐦𝐨𝐦𝐬’ 𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐚𝐥 𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐥𝐭𝐡 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐛𝐚𝐥𝐚𝐧𝐜𝐞?
My own experience drove me to a totally new life and made me a coach, but it’s just one from my many why-s.
I experienced what it’s like to feel lost, stuck, not bonding with the baby, crashing under the responsibility, feeling incompetent and miserable.
It was even worse when someone tried to help with comments like: „you should be happy, she is healthy, you should be happier there is no point to feel like this...”
I’m so lucky, I have the best husband on the world, he is a real partner in everything. And still, he is choosing easier not to run after the kid, not to jump after a second and to prioritise his own needs and comfort.
But we -moms – 𝐰𝐞 𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐝𝐢𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐞𝐝 𝐭𝐨 𝐨𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐰𝐫𝐢𝐭𝐞 𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐛𝐫𝐚𝐢𝐧’𝐬 𝐬𝐞𝐥𝐟𝐢𝐬𝐡 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐣𝐮𝐦𝐩, and look for our kids 24/7, looking out for their wishes. 𝙊𝙪𝙧 𝙤𝙬𝙣 𝙬𝙞𝙨𝙝𝙚𝙨 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙣𝙚𝙚𝙙𝙨 𝙖𝙧𝙚 𝙖𝙡𝙬𝙖𝙮𝙨 𝙖𝙩 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙚𝙣𝙙 𝙤𝙛 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙡𝙞𝙣𝙚 of course. But. If we do this for too long,... well, there will be consequences.
I don’t even dive now into the other piece when your husband isn’t helping, when he isn’t a real partner in parenting and you just drown under the pile of to dos.
This is the reason I wanted to shout from the roofs that there is the other side of the coin. 𝙇𝙚𝙩’𝙨 𝙩𝙖𝙡𝙠 𝙖𝙗𝙤𝙪𝙩 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙢𝙤𝙢𝙨, 𝙡𝙚𝙩’𝙨 𝙛𝙤𝙘𝙪𝙨 𝙤𝙣 𝙢𝙤𝙢𝙨’ 𝙣𝙚𝙚𝙙𝙨!
I wanted to compensate the „be responsive, jump, cuddle, hold...” all the expectations and wanted to raise attention to moms’ needs. I never encourage anyone to neglect their baby or do anything at their expense.
But I encourage all moms to question the expectations and pay attention also to themselves.
𝙄𝙏’𝙨 𝙤𝙠 𝙩𝙤 𝙨𝙩𝙤𝙥, 𝙩𝙤 𝙨𝙡𝙤𝙬 𝙙𝙤𝙬𝙣, 𝙩𝙤 𝙥𝙧𝙞𝙤𝙧𝙞𝙩𝙞𝙨𝙚 𝙮𝙤𝙪𝙧 𝙤𝙬𝙣 𝙨𝙚𝙡𝙛-𝙘𝙖𝙧𝙚 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙦𝙪𝙚st𝙞𝙤𝙣 𝙩𝙝𝙚 „𝙣𝙤𝙧𝙢 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙥𝙧𝙖𝙘𝙩𝙞𝙘𝙚𝙨”.
For me this was a big one when healing from depression. When I finally let myself see motherhood as only one piece of my life, when I allowed myself to dream again about the future and not sinking into the „unknown and uncertain future image”.
When 𝐈 𝐪𝐮𝐞𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐞𝐝 𝐦𝐲 𝐨𝐰𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡𝐭𝐬, when 𝐈 𝐬𝐭𝐨𝐩𝐩𝐞𝐝 𝐟𝐞𝐞𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐠𝐮𝐢𝐥𝐭𝐲 just because I let her cry for some minutes, or when 𝐈 𝐡𝐢𝐫𝐞𝐝 𝐚 𝐧𝐚𝐧𝐧𝐲 and chose self-time, when I 𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐨𝐰𝐞𝐝 𝐦𝐲𝐬𝐞𝐥𝐟 𝐭𝐨 𝐬𝐞𝐭 𝐠𝐨𝐚𝐥𝐬 and ask myself what I wanted... not against my baby or without her, but considering my own dreams and desires.
When I decided to become a coach these 2 WHYs were the strongest – first t𝐨 𝐬𝐡𝐨𝐰 𝐨𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫 𝐦𝐨𝐦𝐬 𝐰𝐡𝐚𝐭’𝐬 𝐩𝐨𝐬𝐬𝐢𝐛𝐥𝐞, and that here is way to feel better and not disappear in motherhood and the second that I want to spend 𝐦𝐨𝐫𝐞 𝐪𝐮𝐚𝐥𝐢𝐭𝐲 𝐭𝐢𝐦𝐞 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐦𝐲 𝐤𝐢𝐝𝐬. I want more control and time flexibility in my life.
This way of thinking helped me to see our life in a whole and helped me to attach and bond with my baby. I felt the more I did for myself, the more I let myself think about what I need, the more I felt open and loving towards her.
I see that those outside and internalised expectations pressure the moms in a way that’s painful and making them feel less and incompetent.
𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐨𝐧𝐥𝐲 𝐬𝐨𝐥𝐮𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐢𝐬 𝐭𝐨 𝐪𝐮𝐞𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐬𝐞 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐜𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐭𝐞 𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐨𝐰𝐧 𝐰𝐚𝐲𝐬 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐫𝐡𝐲𝐭𝐡𝐦. Maybe a good self help book or a good friend can support you with that. But we coaches are also here for you (coaches, therapists, mental help volunteers), to give you a helping hand when you decide that you are ready to change.
I’m therefore very happy that there is a month dedicated for mothers’ mental health. We need to raise the awareness because we easier listen to the expectation tsunami and not to the lower voices which tell us to stop, slow down, prioritise your own self-care...
Stop for a moment and ask yourself:
Do I live the life I want?
Can I say no to expectations?
Can I relax without guilt?
Do I enjoy motherhood?....
#mentalhealthmonth