How to navigate big changes
I’m still in the middle of the changes (as we just moved 2 weeks ago), but since I know quite a bit about changes I can already reflect on what’s happening and hopefully help YOU if you’re facing big changes.
Let’s start with: CHANGE IS HARD. For most of us change is fcking hard because we are human beings who prefer the known, the habits. If you are facing a big change (you decide what’s big for you) like…
giving birth, becoming a mom
have another child
move
changing career
changing jobs
divorce/breakup
change in friendships…
It’s totally normal to freeze, to get paralysed, to get overwhelmed… Your brain wants the known and protests against the change... It doesn’t want the change since it’s new and scary.
That’s the reason why it’s also so hard to make “big decisions”, like getting a divorce or changing career. Your brain already lists all the cons why you should NOT opt in for any kind of change.
If we look at change’s nature more closely, it’s natural that in the beginning there are suddenly many new things present and not so much of the old, known things -> therefore you brain is overworking, trying to protect you from every possible harm and there are many many suspects… Then, time goes by and you get to know the new things, new people, new enviroment, you start creating your new routines and habits… there will be less and less unknown. Your brain adapts.
(The way our brain works is very fascinating btw. It predicts what we’re going to do, what we should do.. therefore saves a lot of energy by not overworking on habitual things… but this takes time in a new environment since the brain has to relearn what’s good and not, what we’re about to do and what could be the consequences)
That said. Change is HARD and it’s the hardest in the beginning. Period.
Give yourself space. Give yourself time to adapt.
Give yourself the opportunity also to feel it all: fear, frustration, overwhelm, anxiety…
Maybe you also need to grieve… the old family setup, the old job, the old environment… it’s also part of the change since you are not only diving into something new but you’re also saying goodbye to things/to people.
With time it will get better.
As I’m on this rollercoaster now and sometimes I’m boiling in frustration, then getting excited over a fun familyday… I came up with 3 tips for
How to navigate big changes
Here are my 3 tips which I’m also actively using
Number 1 - Give yourself time and space
I already described why change is hard, so just give yourself time and space to “recover”. Maybe it’s more sleep for you… maybe it’s intensively focusing on how to calm your nervous system - I highly recommend moving your body. Maybe it’s not pressuring yourself into “having it all together” while you are in the trenches. Maybe it’s letting go of the control… Don’t have the false expectation to not freak out or to not feel frustrated at all, it’s OK now to feel those, it’s OK now to feel a bit lost.
The most important is that you take care of yourself, calm your nervous system so you can navigate the changes instead of getting drown in the change. One of the best ways to help your brain is to do habitual things: read your fav book, watch your fav series, carve out some time for your hobby.
Number 2- Allow the feelings
When your CNS (central nervous system) is fried you most probably can’t even connect to your feelings and body - that’s what happened to me after my first child was born and also now during the move itself. I kept repeating step ONE- focusing on calming my CNS and finding time for my little known habits.
Then… when that first hit was over, I could name the feelings, I had the connection with my body and mind. I felt a lot of frustration, overwhelm, anxiety.
I didn’t want to coach myself out of this. I wanted to be fcking angry about stupid rules and laws. I wanted to be frustrated since my sense of justice claimed it. It took me a bit of time to sit with these feelings. But when I allowed them… I also remembered that these are “just” feelings and there will be nicer feelings coming my way.
If you are anxious or frustrated.. it’s OK. Navigating the change is not fun, but totally possible.
Number 3- Create fun experiences
Your CNS is fried, your brain protest the change… and most probably there will be challenges on the way. To be able to cope with these changes you’ll want to create some fun moments in the new setup. (so your brain protests a little bit less ;) )
If you have your first baby - it can be playdates, mom-baby yoga… ANYTHING that’s fun also for you
If you change jobs- it can be visiting a new cafe in that neigbourhood, buying a new dress for work… any little thing matters
If you change career - looking for a mastermind or a peer who you can have fun with
If you have another baby - go on a family long-weekend, have a family photo-shoot
If you move- go to a nice restaurant, buy your fav drink (for me it was brut prosecco), have a walk in a nice park
It doesn’t really matter what the actual thing is, what matters is that it’s fun for You in the new setup and somehow is connected to the new setup.
You are strong. You are resourceful.
You can figure out anything.
You will.
But first, just give yourself space and time to ride those first biggest waves.
And… don’t underestimate the extra mental load which is on us MOMs during these changes. We want the best for our kids so we also try to manage their experience in parallel. (which is most of the time impossible as they have their own way of dealing with their experiences). You’ll only be able to BE THERE for them and help regulating their big emotions if you take care of yourself first.