Are you living on default?
Do you remember when we were kids they kept asking: "“What do you want to be? (when you grow up)” There was our life in front of us with millions of possibilities… Which school to chose, what hobby to start, who to connect with, then which university to chose, which profession and then also who we wanted to date and marry. So many choices. So many options. So many possibilities.
As I remember I neved believed I had so much of a choice regarding hobbies and profession. (luckily my love-life was not controlled over 16) I only remember all the restrictions, all the NOs… I remember vividly also when I was sitting with my flute teacher crying that I would rather play piano, but I was not allowed since a piano was expensive (and heavy) so I HAD TO play on flute. Or when I wanted to join my friend and go to ballet, my parents told it’s not healthy. Then I wanted to join my other friend for competitive dance, I was told I can’t because it’s in another town… and so on. I always had the feeling that I didn’t have much of a choice.
My parents never explicitely ordered me to do certain things but kinda “guided” me strongly. My father is an engineer and my mom is a math/physics teacher so that was also always in the air for me to do something with logic and math. So I became an engineer myself. (never really deviated from the main focus) It sucked out my soul… I hated university, I hated the classes (nearly all of them) but still I graduated on time with flying results, because I’m a type A good girl. (good for me right?, nope..)
I remember again a very vivid memory when I had the chance to go to a make-up workshop where they were also aiming for recruiting makeup artist-students. I was beyond joy, I felt the butterflies in my stomach since I have always loved creating make up for others. (I was always the one who did everyone’s makeup before party and I looooved that so much) But. It was expensive so I had to ask my parents for the money. (Obviously) they said no, but I remember vividly the tone of my father “an engineer won’t do makeups”.
So I swallowed it and my life went on…
I was also dreaming about what I wanted to do with my life, (like everyone else) but those dreams were very much limited, filtered through expectations and permissions.
I won’t continue to tell my whole life, let’s jump to the point when I had my first baby.
That shaked things off. That shaked everything.
Becoming a mom is an identity change. For everyone. And for some… an identity crises.
And I believe that this isn’t necessarily bad. Life is 50-50, so is this change. This identity crises made me question EVERYTHING in my life. It was a very deep hole for me with PPD but the transformation was also an incredible change. (for the positive)
I lived my life on default.
I lived according to expectations, according to my degrees, according to norms and rules…
I didn’t even question what I truly wanted.
You know that you’re living your life on default if you
don’t feel joy
never asked yourself whether you like your current circumstances
don’t have hobbies or something you can’t wait doing
don’t have goals and dreams for your future
don’t get criticism or side comments from anyone (because you are people pleasing and live according to expectations)
It’s never to late to stop this, to stop living on default. You don’t even have to have an identity crises - I brought that up so you see that every big change in our lives can trigger us and help us break the default mode. (the upside of a painful change)
You can decide now in this very moment that you’re ready to create your life on your terms.
Start asking and keep asking yourself:
What do I want?
What would I like to do?
And listen.. listen closely.
Do you remember when they asked us what do you want to be? We also ask our children… and somehow around the age of 30 this stops.
We start dreaming about a profession, about a house, about a partner, about a car, about a life we wanna live… and as we age we limit ourselves by our current circumstances, by the expectations we face…
and we stop dreaming.
We stop CREATING our lives and start living on default. Some earlier, some later…
So… KEEP ASKING YOURSELF. Take yourself and your dreams seriously.
Keep that joy in your heart. Keep that curiousity. And… keep the belief that you can do anything you want.
Becoming a mom was the worst and best thing for me. I went thru hell but I also found treasure. I found coaching, I found belief, I found opportunities, hope and the depth of LIFE.
Maybe you can’t relate to my childhood’s memories, it’s OK. (and for the record I love my parents, they did their best)
But continously asking yourself what you want is always an amazing gift you can give to yourself to change your life for the better.
When you frequently check in with yourself and allow yourself to try new things, to set goals and to focus on what YOU want, you won’t for sure live your life on default. You will LIVE your life. Ready? Let’s go!