Motherhood’s hardships- pessimism or realism?
I remember clearly how lost I felt as a new mom. I thought I was prepared but I was not. I knew it was going to be hard and tiring, but not at that point…
I was sitting on my bed and all I felt was dispair, sadness, frustration, exhaustedness…Back then I didn’t know yet how much of that pain was caused by the pressure I put on myself to do this “right”. Because I had a clear image in my head about the “right” where I smile and bond with the baby and feel fulfilled and over the moon just because I became a mother.
I hadn’t heard real experiences and all range of stories before I had my daughter. (and I’m not talking only about the postpartum period but generally about all motherhood)
And honestly? I think motherhood is still sugarcoated and we still have work to do to change that narrative.
Do we talk enough about low libido, hemorrhoid, tears, incontinence, isolation, mental challenges, career setbacks, unfair division of labor, mental load, lack of selftime, expectations….?
Nope, I don’t think so.
So I have this question for you.
Is talking about the downside of motherhood - PESSIMISM or REALISM aka honesty?
I was scrolling my phone and a video catched my attention. The lady was showing the beautiful, peaceful moments with ker kids and in the caption she went on and on about how she hates now all the accounts who talk about the hardships of motherhood. Then she went on how she unfollowed them all, because “of course motherhood is hard” but if we only talk about the hardships we can’t focus on the beauty of it AND it also gives the impression that they hate being a mom and so it paints a worse image of motherhood than what it could look like.
It made me think too… Could it be true? Where can she be right?
I can totally see her point and I agree that if we only focus on the hardships it will be more difficult to see the precious side of motherhood… BUT…
I have NEVER had any thought about those type of accounts, influencers that they hate motherhood… or they would not appreciete being a mom. They just work on breaking the sugarcoated narrative. That’s it.
They keep it real.
I personally talk a LOT about hardships and challenges in motherhood… and of course I love my kids. Talking about the downside is simply HONEST. Life is also good and bad, so is motherhood…
But. Because the sugarcoated version has been with us for a long time, now we need to be louder about the other side to balance out that outdated narrative.
I will keep being loud. I will keep talking about the hardships. Not because it’s pessimism but because this honesty can support and heal others.
The biggest and quickest transformation I experienced with my coach when I tried to climb out of PPD was exactly this. She pointed out that
there was nothing wrong with me.
My feelings were valid
I put that pressure on myself through my thoughts
Feeling accepted and validated can HEAL. So you don’t wonder anymore whether you are the only alien who can’t figure it out… or who doesn’t feel happy all the time just because had a baby…
We don’t necessarely always have to talk about tears, hemorroids or mental challenges… but when we do we do a SERVICE to others. It helps to change the narrative.
And it’s also true for seasoned moms!
When you see that others are struggling too, others are also learning how to handle momguilt and shame… and how to balance it all to have free time but also time with the kids…etc
You feel less lonely.
You feel less isolated.
You can believe that there is truly nothing wrong with you.
And that is a powerful recognition.
The healing can start as simple as this.
So I will keep talking about the hardships of motherhood because the sugarcoating is still on and there are moms who need me to gain back their confidence and spark. I’m here and I’ll keep doing this work.