Real reason behind feeling “not good enough”
“I just can’t do it all”
“I’m too tired, I don’t know how others do it…”
“I suck at it, I’m just not cut out for this”
“There is something wrong with me”
“How the hell to juggle these all?”
Are these thoughts familar? Have you thought them?
I did. And sometimes my brain still offers these type of thoughts. It’s all about that I should do more, I should do better… and somehow whatever I’m doing that’s just not enough. I fall short somewhere for sure. I don’t have enough energy, time or attention for my kids or for my business or for myself… I don’t exercise or go to events or I forgot to do kegels or I haven’t read enough stories to my kids… Behind all of these, there this underlying thought: I’m not doing enough, I’m not good enough…
If you would ask me what is the number ONE thing I coach most often on, it is this. We go through the layers deep enough to arrive fairly quickly to this thought:
I’m not good enough.
You are not alone thinking this. Many of us (I would say most of the women) feel this. But let’s uncover where it comes from. Let’s demask the bitch so we can clearly see it’s true face. You’ll understand where it comes from, you’ll then able to catch those automatic thoughts your brain offers. Then you’ll be able to question those nasty thoughts and just consider them as a voice in your head which is a broken record. (but later about that)
Where does this “not good enough” comes from?
If you have a thought ‘not good enough’ there must be also a “GOOD ENOUGH” in your head. Something you’re comparing yourself to, some idealised image. But where does THAT come from?
Socialization.
That idealized picture is a result of expectations, socialization and conditioning. Ruled and vomited through the patriarchy.
We can blame social media, the movies, magazines… but also long years ago there was a “perfect housewife” image who was just serving her whole family with smile on her face.
So let’s look at those conditioning and socialization:
We’re conditioned to and expected to
be silent and not confront
serve others, put ourselves behind
want to have a marriage/be married otherwise we’re worthless, there is something wrong with us
please others
be young and beautiful (according to society’s standards)
be kind and gentle
…
And now… on the top of these old conditioning of women we also face the impossible standards and conflicting expectations towards modern moms:
Like->
bounce back you ugly cow but also don’t go to the gym leaving your kids behind
breastfeed but also go back to work
stay at home with your baby but also contribute financially
take care of the baby, the household, the whole family and obviously of you
take care of yourself but don’t leave your kids for a minute
enjoy motherhood 24/7
SMILE and be grateful (you have a healthy baby/kid afterall)
make sure your kids socialize but don’t put them into daycare/nursery
work but don’t put your kids into daycare
have selftime, nurture your marriage but how do you trust a stranger with your kid(!?)
play with your kids, make sure they’re developing, organise extra classes and trainings for them but also exercise yourself, go to beautican don’t neglect yourself… and SMILE.
I could go on and on… but I think it’s enough for now :D
SO… See?
That “good enough” image is just a mental construct. A lie. A Fcking big bubble of stupid expectations and irrealistic standards.
What is the reason then that we feel not good enough?
That we are conditioned to tick off the boxes, to be good students to follow the rules.
But.
It’s impossible to tick off all these boxes or comply with all these expectations.
Therefore OF COURSE you’ll feel not good enough. Of course you’ll think you failed…
But the problem is NOT you, the problem is what you compare yourself to.
As we all are conditioned to be good students and comply with the expectations we TRY and we fail. And that is NOT the problem.
The problem is that you then hurt yourself, beat yourself up… and have a terrible self-talk about your abilities and capabilities…
Next time you catch yourself thinking these thoughts… catch them… and see how unrealistic they are.
They are not truth.
Only You get to decide what kind of a mama you want to be. Only you get to decide who that “good enough mom” is.
And I’m sure you are a good enough mom just by trying your best. Your kid(s) chose You for a reason.