Do you really know what you want?
AKA - How socialization can ruin your experience in motherhood
What socialization has to do with your current experience? A LOT.
Let’s dive deeper.
If you think about how women were raised and treated for centuries… their worth was coming from marrying good, bearing kids, serving others, there is no surprise this long socialization has still a strong imprint on us.
Women were supposed to be fertile, caring and silent. Speaking your mind, choosing things on your own, making “big decision”, being financially independent was for a very long time not the reality.
We talk here about centuries-long socialization. Thanks to many brave pioneers these mostly changed, but only in the past century.
But our brain doesn’t change that quickly.
Our fight or flight response, the basic human reactions are deeply wired since cave-man times. So you can imagine that all these socialization patterns also left trace on our brains.
Our socialization shapes who we are and what we want.
For a very long time women were told what to want, what to dream about and what their purpose was.
No wonder if you feel a bit lost, confused about what you truly want/ can want in your life. These traces are very deep from those centuries.
The very interesting part is - how does this affect you NOW?
Look around in your life and look for these traces…
Where do you feel like you need to justify yourself?
Where do you feel you have to comply?
What makes you feel guilty?
What makes you feel like you wanna hide from the world and they just shouldn’t know?
Where do you feel not good enough?
What do you keep learning about, buying books and don’t trust your own wisdom?
Where do you “play small”?
Where do you put up with sh*t that bothers you?
And the list goes on… But only these can already bring valuable awareness.
Since we are socialized to be the silent, caring, loving mother… no wonder that you feel a lot of shame, selfdoubt, anxiety, insecurity and guilt… if you would want to figure out on your own how you would WANT to do mothering, how you would WANT to live your life…
It can come up anywhere and everywhere:
when you choose to go back to work
when you ask for a raise, promotion
when you hire a nanny
when you don’t want to be with your kids 24/7
when you need a break
when you daydream about a girls’ trip
when you ask you partner for more faire-share at home
when you ask your partner for more involvement in parenting
…. and the list goes on
Our thoughts are automatic. But they are coming from our socialised brain… aka… these long socialization patterns for sure will produce a lot of negative thoughts if we try to do something different, something new, something modern… someting less motherly-nice-serving…
You know what’s interesting?
Every time we speak up about loving our career, hiring help, choosing not to play with the same toys over and over again because we find it boring…
WE ADD A DISCLAMIER, that “by the way I totally LOVE my kids and no, I don’t regret becoming a mama”
How crazy is this?
We feel that we need to defend our ways and explain ourselves and our choices, if they are a bit different from the socialized “norms”
It can totally screw your experience in motherhood.
You don’t dare to want, you don’t even dare to figure out how you could enjoy motherhood… because that’s just so scary.
It might be different.
And being different is scary.
What if… here lies the truth?
YOU can totally enjoy motherhood NOW, the way you are… you just don’t enjoy the ways you try to fit yourself into.
So… do you know what you want?
Do you really know what YOU want?
The best way to figure that out… is
Facing the long-socialization and dare to choose different ways from expectations
Listening to your intuition, to your gut-response and trusting your decisions
There is no way to be a perfect mama, but there are a million ways to be a good one.
Your kids need you HAPPY. And that my dear comes from you enjoying your life. And you’ll truly enjoy your life and motherhood when you allow yourself to have dreams, plans, desires and just follow what YOU want.
You can feel confident in motherhood when you let yourself WANT things your way and stop looking to the outside.
Share this with a mama-friend who could use some confidence boost.
P.S Do you wanna hear something funny? The brain does this trick even if you ARE a caring, loving mom who choses to stay at home with the kids. If you are in an environment where you would supposed to return to work and you choose to stay at home… then your brain will create thoughts about how lazy you are, how oldfashioned you are, how you’re wasting your education… in this case the root is not the socialization it’s the pre-programming of the brain to comply with the tribe’s rules… But more about it next time.