3 tips if you are the default parent

In many cases moms are the default parents. Being the default parent is hard. It can feel overwhelming and extra stressful. You have an endless list in your head, you know the appointments, the doctors’ names and contact details, what size the kids wear… etc.

Being the default parent means extra anxiety for some. ‘Cause it’s ME who knows it all, it’s always ME who has the answers and if something happens to ME… what will happen with the kids?

Funnily when someone is the default parent they tend to do actually all by themselves and are refusing the help. Because they know better, and kinda got used to doing everything. Guilty?

Are you sure you wouldn’t get more support from your partner? Have you communicated the way they could be more in the details with you?

So let’s see the 3 tips you can try if you want to get more support but you don’t know where to start.

1. Communicate openly with love: “I want you to be more present in our everyday’s life. Would you take Sarah to the doctor next Friday for her next check up?”
   Please know that your partner may say NO or wouldn’t reply to your request as you want, but at least you communicated your wishes openly and clearly, and that is a big step ahead.

2. Involve him while you are also present: “Let’s make the bath-time together” “Let’s go shopping for the kids together” “I’m gonna prepare his meal and you can feed him”
   It’s important to let him experiment, not to correct him or judge him. Let your partner figure out his way. Just the way you figured out mothering step by step. Next step is that you are willing to step aside and let HIM do the things.

3. Hire support. I mean… it may sound obvious, but we have so much guilt and resitance around asking for support, hiring support that I wanted to take this as a separate discussion point. If you are the default parent it can be a lot which ends up in burnout and overwhelm. Take every opportunity to make your life easier. It may look like an afternoon free to recharge while the nanny is with the kids. It can look like the nanny picking up the kid(s) from the daycare. Anything that takes some things off your shoulders. If you are the default parent and your partner is overloaded in his work, you wanting him to do things differently will only create resentment, disconnection in your relationship. Make sure you get the support you need one way or another.

It’s worth to go a little bit deeper what being a default parent means for you, how it came and if you want to change it what would you like to change.

If you consider yourself the one who knows best and refuses help (from your partner, or from anyone else) it’s easy to sink into victim mentality and be a martyr mama. Your thought about his incapability will ensure you stay the default parent.

Your thoughts about “figuring out together” will create a balance for you which can save a lot of energy and headache.

So be honest with yourself first.
Are you willing to delegate? Are you willing to communicate your needs?

Are you OK with him figuring out his way?

If being the default parent is totally OK with you, amazing. If not, be willing to let go of your perfectionism and figure these things out together.*

It can totally happen that your partner isn’t receptive to your ideas and doesn’t take his share the way you want. Remember, we can’t control other people’s behaviour, but you can totally control what you make it mean for you.

Make sure you stay in your lane and ensure that you have the support you need one way or another by communicating your desires, involving him and hiring support as needed.

Are you the default parent?
What’s your experience of it? What would you like to change?

(* I didn’t address any specific relationship setups, nor emotionally abusive or distant partnerships. You can totally hire support, find your balance other ways, but be honest with yourself when you take on too much pressure)